Where I Am Today

When I originally started this blog, I started it with the intent of it being centered around my infertility journey. And, while I did enjoy writing about our experiences and what the Lord was teaching us in it, I began to feel conflicted about whether or not to continue writing about it. I struggled with this for a few reasons. Namely, there is abundantly more to my life than the fact that I can't have a baby. Also, I didn't want to be "that girl" who only talked about the fact that she could not conceive.

So, I have pulled a one-eighty and completely avoided the topic altogether (on the blog at least).

But I know that many of you don't see me on a regular basis, and I'm sure you are curious as to what we have been up to in our journey with infertility, so here goes...

Last December I had a surgery called a laparoscopy, which basically is an outpatient surgery on my tubes, uterus, and other female what-nots. This is a diagnostic surgery. In other words, the doctor had no way of knowing for sure that I even needed the surgery until he got the instrument in there and took a gander. He found stage three endometriosis, which is a fairly mild form of it. He removed the endometriosis and told my husband that our fertility should improve about 80%. We were totally excited.

By February, we were not pregnant, so our doctor suggested that we start with injectables. He suggested this based on the fact that endometriosis grows back, and the more aggresively we treated my situation, the more likely I would actually conceive. So, we started our first round of injectable meds in March (to make a long story short, this procedure facilitates ovulation due to the fact that I inject follicle stimulating hormone into my stomach once a day...sounds painful, totally wasn't). March was a bust...it didn't work. Two months later, we tried again. And again, it failed. We finally tried our third attempt in July. Fail.

August was a tough month...probably the low point of this whole journey. The reality of the fact that I could possibly never conceive a child truly set in, and it set in hard. I quickly fell into what I can only describe as a "spiritual depression." In other words, I was completely aware of the Lord's sovereignty and grace in my life, but I was just stinkin' sad. Not only that, but I began to grow increasingly uncomfortable around pregnant friends and friends who were already mothers. I didn't want to be, and I truly thought that I was fighting those emotions. Nevertheless, they were there.

Kenny and I at this point started seriously discussing adoption and in vitro fertilization. Neither one of us feel completely comfortable with either option at this point, and that's ok. We are still holding on to certain hopes and expectations, and I truly believe that the Lord will continue to be a lamp unto our feet and guide us step by step.

As for the discomfort around my mother friends? It's gone. Completely. Do I still feel a little pang of longing when I'm around a ton of kiddos? Sure. But over the last month or so, the Lord has used scripture to remind me of who I truly am and who He truly is. Scripture says to "rejoice with those who rejoice." Period. Not if I feel like it. Not if it's comfortable with me. Scripture doesn't give exemptions from this. Even harder, though, is the fact that scripture says to "give thanks in all circumstances." But to be quite frank, I AM so thankful for my journey with infertility! I know so much more about who I am in Christ and who the Lord is because I have walked through this. Kenny and I are closer than we have ever been. I have friends who have cried with me when I needed them to and prayed for me on a daily basis. I have a family who has grabbed hold of me tightly as I have walked through this. I have so much to be thankful for!!!!!

And that is where I am today.